Holiday Etiquette

You Ask, We Answer. Todd Farmer & Sam Wright get the answers to help you make important life decisions from gardening to financial planning. 

In today’s episode, Todd Farmer and Sam Wright talk with etiquette expert, Sallie Plass, founder of Etiquette Enrichment. She will be answering questions about etiquette during the holiday season, from business holiday parties to gifting during the season to when you should invite kids or not, and all things related to holiday etiquette. This is a must-listen episode for everyone.

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Key Takeaways:

• 0:35 Sam shares a very funny gift-giving story that he experienced
• 2:01 Sam & Todd talk about some of the things that they take to a party that they’ve been invited to and why they hate gift cards 
• 6:17 Sallie shares a little bit of background the work that she does & why she decided to be an etiquette expert 
• 8:27 Sallie talks about some of the basic etiquette things that people don’t do as much today 
• 9:10 Sallie talks about the most appropriate way to invite people for a holiday party 
• 10:08 Sallie shares some tips on how to handle a situation where you’ve been invited for a party & they’ve not specified whether to bring kids or not 
• 11:11 Sallie share some of the things you can do when you’ve been invited to a party but don’t feel like attending 
• 12:22 Sallie talks about when you are supposed to take a gift for an invitation and when not to 
• 14:18 Sallie explains if it is appropriate for someone to take food as a gift to a dinner party and what you could do if it happens 
• 15:28 Sallie talks about the appropriate time for you to leave a party 
• 17:38 Sallie talks about social media etiquette 
• 19:06 Sallie talks about cell phones & the appropriate etiquette 
• 19:47 Sallie explains if it’s wrong to bring tablets to a restaurant for kids to be entertained
• 21:42 Sallie talks about gifting, the purpose of gifting someone, & what you should buy 
• 24:34 Sallie talks about gift cards
• 25:44 Sallie explains the best thing to use between a gift bag vs. wrapping a gift 
• 27:15 Sallie shares advice to parents on what they should constantly remind their children while gifting 

Quotes Mentioned:

• “Every generation feels like the next generation has less manners than they do.”
• “It is not appropriate to bring food to a dinner party.”
• “If you have a meal with your children three to four times a week where you are intentional about dining with them and conversing with them, their success in all areas of their life rises.”
• “The gift-giving ideas are things that you think the person being gifted would enjoy.”

Sallie Plass's Social Media Links:

• Website: https://www.etiquetteenrichment.com/ 
• Email: sallieplass@etiquetteenrichment.com 
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sallieplass/?hl=en 
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/etiquetteenrichment/ 

Transcript

Sallie Plass: Some of the gift bags though, are so cute and they're so appropriate in their... 

Sam Wright: But so are sweatpants, Sallie. Sweatpants can be so cute. 

Todd Farmer: Hi, I'm Todd farmer. 

Sam Wright: And I'm Sam Wright. And this is What Should You Ask. Okay, so we're talking about holiday gift-giving etiquette and things of that nature, right?

Todd Farmer: Yeah, this is a constant struggle, isn't it? 

Sam Wright: Oh, absolutely. 

Todd Farmer: How much do I spend? What do I get people? Should I get them anything?

Sam Wright: I have the absolute number one gift-giving story ever. It's not related to the holidays. But we're talking about gift-giving etiquette. I realized I'll spend like one more week in purgatory because of this. But here we go. So one of our good friends got married, and we were going to their wedding reception. Well, my stepfather couldn't make it to the wedding reception. And so he said, “Hey, run by and grab this wedding gift, or x and y, okay, and take it to the reception.” And I was younger, I wasn't as responsible as I am now. So I get the gift and it goes in the trunk. 

I forgot to take it into the reception. And it continued to stay in my car for months. And when I say months, I mean like nine months. And finally, one day, I was cleaning out my car, and I'll be darned if I didn't just open the gift up. It was like cookware. Well, what do you think I did with it? I carried it into my kitchen and put it in the cabinet as God as my witness. Fortunately, did my credit. My stepdad knows the story. I don't think the couple knows. I will tell them, we hang out with them frequently. It'll be a good story, but yeah. I thought, well, heck, it's been so long, I can’t give them the gift now.

Todd Farmer: Because they don't remember probably who got him a wedding gift or not at this point. 

Sam Wright: No. 

Todd Farmer: Well, when you go to a party, do you take something?

Sam Wright: Will typically bring wine or something, will bring a bottle of wine or champagne or something that's going around these days. What about you?

Todd Farmer: Depends on who it is. If it's kind of our immediate circle, I feel like we see them so much. We don't really bring a thing. But if it's someone new, or it's a big occasion, they're throwing a big event, we'll take something. One of my biggest pet peeves, and I'm losing this battle. I hate gift cards. 

Sam Wright: Yeah, I do too. 

Todd Farmer: And we all give them out. We sat there one day and had a gift card exchange. Me being unable to keep my mouth shut, I think I said, “Why don't next year, we just get an accounting ledger and say you're $20, you're down $20, you owe me 50?” If we're just going to swap gift cards, let's just get a ledger.

Sam Wright: My big pet peeve about gift cards, people lose them, and then either they don't spend all the money on the gift card or inevitably, they spend more. And so they got to pay more money for what they bring.

Todd Farmer: We give some cash gifts sometimes. 

Sam Wright: Yeah, I think I'd rather have cash. 

Todd Farmer: I’d rather have cash.

Sam Wright: Cash is king. So now these days when we go to somebody's house and we know there's going to be a gift exchange, my wife has the death grip and both of my boys’ arms, saying essentially, “You'd better say thank you and jump up and down when you open this gift.” But when they were younger, a lot of times we would get like duplicate gifts. So they'd already have something, they'd go to somebody's house aunt or uncle, open it up and the kid would say, “Oh, I already have one of these at home. This is great.” Yeah.

Todd Farmer: It's hard. It's hard. As you get older, you can hide your disappointment, lack of enthusiasm for a gift.

Sam Wright: So at the boys’ school, they have a Santa shop where they get to take money. The parents sends money in an envelope and then there's like a teacher that helps them shop for siblings and parents and stuff. So my older son, he was probably eight, so my younger one was four. My older one spent all this time in the Santa shop getting something for his younger brother and he was so excited for it. They wrap it up in this green paper bag essentially with tape on it. And it was under the tree and Henry was so excited for Harrison to open up this gift. So it's Christmas morning. Henry runs over there, hands it to his brother, and says, “Merry Christmas.” I don't know what it was. Harry opened it up and threw a holy fit. That’s how terrible it was. No one was laughing at our house, but we've since then got over that but that was pretty good one.

[00:05:00]

Today on What Should You Ask, we have etiquette expert Sallie Plass, founder of Etiquette Enrichment. She will be answering our questions about etiquette during the holiday season from business holiday parties to gifting during the season to when should you invite kids, not invite kids, all things related to holiday etiquette. This is What Should You Ask.

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Welcome back. I'm Sam Wright. And along with me, we've got Todd Farmer, thanks for joining us on What Should You Ask. Sallie, tell us a little bit about yourself, what kind of work you do, and the fact that you're this etiquette expert. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Sallie Plass: The way I was raised particularly in the south, you can tell from my accent, it was always impressed upon us to present good manners and to be respectful, and to have a good dining experience in particular, but even in all settings, my grandmother's, my parents, they all impressed upon us. That was very, very important. But I just grew up with it being a part of my life.

Sam Wright: So there was actually an institute that you went to, is that right?

Sallie Plass: Yes Maria Everding in St. Louis. She's one of several of the institutes around the country that will train people to be an etiquette consultant in order to have an etiquette business. And so I was already an elementary school teacher. So I knew that I knew how to speak and work with people. And so actually, my principal let me come back to the school and after the school day, he would let me start having classes with the children and they can sign up and we actually practiced with pizza and things that you wouldn't normally think of in etiquette, but we would practice with our knife and fork and then we would practice our good manners.

Sam Wright: Should you eat pizza with a fork and knife? 

Sallie Plass: No, no, no.

Sam Wright: Amen. Okay, I thought I was a hillbilly.

Sallie Plass: No, that is definitely a finger food. But for incentive for the children, I chose to use the pizza. And I said, “Okay, this is a finger food, but we want to practice with our fork and knife.” And so that was just a good motivator.

Sam Wright: Sure. I hope that we all learned some basic manners and etiquette growing up, and I'm sure every generation feels like the next generation has less manners than they do. What have you seen are the basic etiquette things that people just have forgotten or don't do as much today?

Sallie Plass: Well, yes, absolutely. What I noticed, first of all, is just basic eye contact, and a smile. We don't even think about greeting other people in that personal way and making that connection with them. We are on our devices so much that I believe this next generation has really been crippled in a way because they're not looking people in the eye and they're not looking at them face to face.

Sam Wright: So let's go into holiday parties, if you're hosting a holiday party, in today's age, what's the most appropriate way to invite people? I've got my opinion on this. 

Sallie Plass: If it's a bigger gathering, and you're inviting an assortment of guests, you would always want to send a written note or a printed note. But if it's a very informal gathering, and it's your closest friends, of course, that's appropriate for you to make a phone call or to maybe send out a group text. But that's for your very, very closest friends. In any other setting, and even maybe with your closest friends, if you have some issues that are maybe controversial, for instance, bringing children or bringing other guests with them, you might want to send it in a written invitation.

Sam Wright: So Todd and I both have children Sallie; let me ask you a question. And we've had this situation before, you get an invitation, and you're not sure, like, is this kids?

[00:10:04] 

Is this no kids? How do you handle that?

Sallie Plass: If you get a written invitation, you get something in the mail, the people that are listed on the front of the invitation with the address, those are the only people invited. Now in an informal situation with your friends, of course, you say, “Okay, is this going to be a child party or not?” And that's a different situation.

Sam Wright: Okay. How far in advance should you invite people? Does it depend on the party?

Sallie Plass: It depends, but I would say for a gathering, it needs to be at least one month in advance, so people can get it on their calendar. And I would never maybe send it before about six weeks before the event because then people forget.

Todd Farmer: What if I'm invited to a party, and I feel bad like I should go, but I just don't want to go. Let’s just call it what it is, I just don't want to go, what do I do?

Sallie Plass: Yeah, it happens to all of us. And actually, I would say probably the majority of us, except for those few, that little percentage that loves, loves, loves parties. We all have those events where we just don't want to attend, but we know we need to, we know that it's a good networking tool, or whatever. It's a polite thing to do. So I would say, first of all, decide on what your outcome you want your outcome to be. If this is a business event, if it's going to be advantageous to your position, you force yourself to go. Now when you go, I want to warn you about this. Please, please go ahead and participate in whatever their thing is.

Sam Wright: That’s a good idea.

Todd Farmer: So that leads into a question. And my wife and I have had this debate many, many times we get invited to parties, and if my wife does not really know the person real well, she always feels like she needs to take something like a bottle of wine or a gift. And when do you take a gift for an invitation? Or when do you not?

Sallie Plass: Yes. Well, I would say, if it's a dinner party, it's a different set of rules than just a regular party. I think that it never ever hurts to take a hostess gift to the people that invited you. It's not a requirement. But what can it hurt, it won't be a negative for you. I would say that, if you're thinking about a hostess gift, then don't take flowers that they have to stop and arrange innovate in the middle of their party. Even just send a floral arrangement, which I have done, and I love it. But it may not fit into their decorating theme, it may not fit on their table. They'll have to find a place for it. So I would suggest something like the bottle of wine that you mentioned, or something else that they could open later. 

Now, if you bring a ball of wine, or you bring say a cheese tray or something that has food, edible things, that is not something that they have to open and use at the party. Those things are a gift for them. They choose when they want to use them. It's not that you bring the ball of wine and then that's your dinner.

Sam Wright: We bring a bottle of wine and we're like, “Oh, by the way, this is our favorite wine. Let’s go ahead and open it.”

Todd Farmer: Oh yeah, I don't want the wine, I brought my own. 

Sam Wright: So what about this is one of my biggest pet peeves, Sallie, when we have people over for a dinner party, and somebody brings food it drives me, I want to say this is not a freaking potluck. Let me cook it all, you enjoy it. 

Todd Farmer: What if they brought dessert. 

Sam Wright: No, I'll make a dessert. I'm here to make everybody comfortable, eat, drink, be merry, let me host you, don't bring anything.

Sallie Plass: It is not appropriate to bring food to a dinner party unless you're right when it's advertised or invited or planned to be a potluck. So what if someone does show up with the food item like you just mentioned and you had not planned for it?

Sam Wright: What we will normally do is we'll take the food, my wife will then rush into the pantry and change it out into the dish that she wants to serve it in.

Todd Farmer: So that it matches all the other plate on the table. 

Sam Wright: And then serves it.

Sallie Plass: One thing that you could say in a nice way is, “Oh thank you for this dish. I will enjoy this tomorrow or later tonight.”

[00:15:01]

Todd Farmer: That’s pretty tactful there, that's pretty good.

Sallie Plass: You want to be thankful and grateful that they're willing to bring you something, but it doesn’t mean that you have to serve it as part of your planned menu and your evening?

Todd Farmer: Most people put the start time of a party down, but they don't put the end time. So, do I need to still be there in the morning? I mean, what's the appropriate time to leave?

Sallie Plass: The golden rule for leaving a party is when your house starts indicating that they're tired, or they start clearing dishes, or the meal is finished. Your host is the one who guides the evening, that's. That’s your cue. 

Todd Farmer: So if you see me come out if I leave the room, and I come out and I'm in my pajamas. That’s usually a cue. 

Sallie Plass: If it's a formal situation or a business situation, that is different. And you always want to put an end time on there. That's also part of sending a good invitation so that your guests know the expectations.

Sam Wright: We're going to take a short break, when we come back, Sallie will be able to answer our questions about gifts during the holidays, who you should get them for, how much you should spend, whether you should thank them. This is What Should You Ask.

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Todd Farmer: Welcome back. I'm Todd farmer.

Sam Wright: And I'm Sam Wright. Thanks for joining us on What Should You Ask. So we've got etiquette expert, Sallie Plass joining us today answering questions regarding holiday and party and social etiquettes. 

Todd Farmer: I got lots of questions about social media etiquette because I'm sort of on social media. But what should you post? When should you post it? What's inappropriate? Which I think half the things I see posted are inappropriate. 

Sam Wright: What are some tips, Sallie on social media etiquette both for adults and for children, for those listeners who have kids?

Sallie Plass: First of all, I want to warn you that if you are in a professional setting, if you are in a career that is visible to the public, and I guess that would be all careers, actually, you may want to think about a personal account and a professional account. So that what you post on your personal account is very strictly regulated by the people you allow to see it. But you might have more freedom to talk about things. Your professional account should be held very closely. I would not post anything that would be controversial because what do the future employers do first when they're thinking about hiring someone? 

Sam Wright: We look at their Facebook page. 

Sallie Plass: Automatically, yes. So you want to make sure that what you post on your social media could be seen by anyone.

Todd Farmer: What should you never post?

Sallie Plass: Yes. I would never post anything about a controversial current event, for instance, politics, I would not talk about sex and I would not talk about religion. Those are the things that are the most controversial to most people.

Sam Wright: Tell us about cell phones and the appropriate etiquette with cell phones and tablets that not only at parties or dinners out things like that.

Sallie Plass: Yes, when you're having a dinner party, or you're having a regular party, where should they be?

Sam Wright: Not at the table?

Sallie Plass: Yes, thank you. That's the point I'm trying to make. Put it away, please.

Sam Wright: When we travel, like with close friends, we all have kids the same ages. And we like to eat decent meals. We don't want chicken nuggets all the time. And so as a confession, if we go to a really nice restaurant, we will actually bring a tablet because then, we can eat in peace. We can have drinks, and the kids can be entertained. What are your thoughts on that? Is that a faux pas, Sallie?

Sallie Plass: Well, I've been there and done that and I know sometimes it is a lifesaver, especially if it's a longer meeting. If I'm going to take my children, I'm going to want to use that opportunity if I'm in a nice restaurant to be able to teach my children how to act.

[00:20:04]

Sam Wright: What if I'm tired of dealing with them? What if I've dealt with them all day?

Sallie Plass: You might need to hire a babysitter. If you're wanting a lawn adult evening meal, is it fair to expect your children to sit there and behave for several hours? No, I want to suggest as a practice that we not have any devices at mealtime. It’s generally only maybe say 30 minutes to an hour. Particularly in our homes, a restaurant might be different. I do know there are times when you do anything, it's kind of you're in survival mode with children to help get through a situation. But if it's a planned event, that's how you start preparing your children. Let me tell you this, Purdue University did some research, and their research show that if you have a meal with your children three to four times a week, where you are intentional about dining with them and conversing with them, their success in all areas of their life rises so much. It’s research-based. And so that's just a little small part of your day.

Sam Wright: Let's move on to gifting Sallie.

Todd Farmer: Yeah, so this is a big one because we've always struggled with buy gift or not buy gift, how much? So as we're going into the Christmas season, who should you purchase gifts for?

Sallie Plass: Well, first of all, I want to say that in your family system, that's generally your first place that you look. In your family, as your family grows, and it's happening in my family each year, we are having to assess how to do it differently, and it's changing. I would say to have a conversation with the people that are in your closest circle, meaning family or friends. And it may be a time for you to discuss, well, what happened last year? Did it work for us? Did we like it? Was it comfortable or if your situation greatly changes, you remarry and all of a sudden you have six extra children to buy for and another family to buy for. 

Those are the things in your life that change your circumstances are important to have a discussion about. If there is a situation that you don't want to participate in, like, for instance, that work with a Santa's secret gift swap or something, just go ahead and say it upfront in the beginning. Don’t go into it with a bad attitude and grouchy and grumping behind everyone else's back. That takes the fun out of it. The purpose is fun and enjoyment for those kinds of work situations. In your family, the purpose is that you want to show them you care about them and love them. It's not just an obligation that I've got to buy this gift. This is a time for me to show someone that I care about them.

Sam Wright: But you don't have any gift-buying suggestions, do you, Sallie? I go through these retail stores and I see all these little things on the end caps. And I'm thinking, you people are going to spend all your money on all these trinkets that you're going to get people. I don't want smoked sausage, save your money. Don't buy it?

Sallie Plass: Well, what I would say is, if you see something and when you see it immediately you think of that person, generally, that's a gift that they would enjoy that reminds you of them. There's a purpose in why you bought it. It's not just that I had to spend $10. And oh, here's something that's $10 and I'm going to go on to grab it. But the gift-giving ideas are things that you think that they would enjoy. And if you have no idea for instance, if you are not a part of their daily life, but it is someone you want to get a gift for, you might potentially think about a gift card. I don't like gift cards, but guess what? All of my children want gift cards.

Sam Wright: So Sallie, I got to imagine the answer is yes. Do you wrap your gift cards up? I bet you wrap it, wrap it in tissue paper, put it in the big box, hand to make your bow, glitter on the top.

Sallie Plass: Yes, make it a nice gift. Yes. The gift card is not just about convenience, and oh I couldn't think of anything. If you're buying it for a purpose with that intent behind it, I'd love you, I know the gap is your favorite store. Here is this beautiful gift card in this beautiful box.

Sam Wright: While we're talking about me, here's another one of my pet peeves. Sallie, what do you think about gift bags? Like people who just throw stuff in gift bags. 

[00:25:00]

I think it's a half step. Todd’s like a professional package wrapper from prior work because he used to work retail during the holidays. But like gift bags, I mean, come on. Wrap it.

Todd Farmer: I think there's really only like 20 gift bags in my life. And they just circulate among about 30 people, and they just keep going back and forth. Let's say I get a gift from someone I was not expecting to get a gift.

Sam Wright: Oh, yeah. Like they show up at your front door and drop something off. 

Todd Farmer: So, do I have to run out and go get them a gift card and put it in their mailbox the next day? 

Sam Wright: Hopefully you wrap it.

Todd Farmer: Sure, with a bowl, of course. 

Sallie Plass: No, if someone shows up unexpectedly and maybe they're not in your normal gift-giving circle, you just say thank you and be gracious. They’re trying to provide a gift for you, for some reason, whatever it is, but that doesn't mean that you have to also give them. I would be sure to thank them greatly for it. Or if you could, if you had time, invite them in for a drink and a cookie or whatever kind of a gracious, hospitable thing that you could do for them, but you don't have to.

Sam Wright: What about thank you notes? Yes. Send them? 

Sallie Plass: Yes, absolutely. There's nothing better than a handwritten thank you note. I say, send it within about 24 hours, if you possibly can. And the reason why is because otherwise, you'll lay it on the corner of your desk and you'll forget that that's what you needed to do or wanted to do. A month later, you think, ah, I haven't sent my thank you gift. Also, if you send it right away, that's when you may be able to write a more heartfelt message and thanking the person for that gift. I'd say within about two weeks is a good suggestion.

Todd Farmer: Nobody has to get you anything. I mean that it's a gift. And so when you're working with children and etiquette in the holidays, what's a tip you could give to parents to try to remind their kids that?

Sallie Plass: Yes, please, please, please teach your children to stay thank you. The basic words, thank you. And when that person gives them the gift right there at that minute, teach them to look them in the eye and say thank you. And then later on, it doesn't matter if it's something they can't stand or don't care for, or they already have 10 of, it doesn't matter. You're teaching your children to show respect for that person. Like you said, they spent time and effort in getting that gift for them. Teach them to honor that and even to say a kind word back. They can say, even if they don't like it, they can say thank you for thinking of me. Thank you thinking of me.

Sam Wright: Thank you for the smoked sausage gift that you purchased, it will be wonderful and the gift bag. 

Sallie Plass: And then gift bag can smell like smoked sausage.

Sam Wright: Well, listen. So Sallie, I really appreciate you joining us. You gave us good tips, some great, great tips for holiday etiquette. So you can get more information about Sallie's classes for children, youth and adults. I probably need it and how to act in social settings on her website. It's www.etiquetteenrichment.com. And we'll list that contact information for etiquette enrichment in the show notes as well. So Sallie again, thank you for joining us. It was a hoot. It really was, gave us some good tips.

Sallie Plass: Thank you. Thank you for inviting me and happy holidays.

Sam Wright: Thank you, you too. 

Todd Farmer: If you like what you've heard, make sure to follow us on social media and subscribe to where you listen to podcasts. You loved what you heard, then leave us a review where you listen and tell everybody that we're at whatshouldyouask.live and we'll see you next Wednesday.

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What Should You Ask is hosted by Todd Farmer and Sam Wright. The producer is Jennifer Colwell. Visit whatshouldyouask.live to download additional episodes, suggest a future topic, or get a free book from the host.

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